Sunday, December 03, 2006

What month is it???

Here comes Meloncholia!
Here comes
Right down Gloom Lane!
Vodka and Bloody Mary and all the others
are pulling on the reins.
Door bells are ringing, children screaming;
All is sherry and bile.
Hang your stockings and say your prayers,
Meloncholia comes tonight.

Here comes
Here comes
Right down Gloom Lane!
Hope you've got a bag that is filled with toys
for the boys and girls again.
Hear those toys jingle jangle,(and clink and clatter!)
What a frightful sight.
Jump in bed, cover up your head,
Meloncholia comes tonight

Apparently it has become December, and no I am not excited or
organized for that event beginning with C!

I have come up with a little check list of things I will and
won't be doing.

First the will NOT'S!
1. Christmas Cards - No, none what so ever. However I urge
those of you who do to be thoughtful of the environment after
Christmas and take them to the Planet Ark recycling boxes.

2. Secret Santas - No, no and once again NO! I do not like
Secret Santas, I do not approve of them, and quite frankly I'd
sooner give my money to charity.

3. Carols by Candlelight - Never again! The last time I made the
mistake of going, everybody who thought they were anybody had to
have multiple turns to sing songs about everything but Christmas.
This is not a local karoke bar, sing a carol or get off the
$*!%*$#@^ stage!
Have I made myself clear?

4. Piped continuous carols - I don not want it on the bus, in store
or as I am walking down the street. I do not want them at all!

5. Too much time in a small enclosed space with family members - Far
too stressful and everybody ends up feral.

6. Too many Christmas outings - Only will I go to those I know I can
suitably let my hair down with.

7. Goodwill to all Mankind - Hah! May I direct your attention to the
Middle East? While I won't behave on that scale. "It's Christmas!"
just doesn't cut it for me, no sudden bosom buddies. If I didn't eat
it before December, I won't now. If I didn't like it before I won't
like it more now that it is December.

8. Too much shop bought Christmas consumable goodies - Too often
they have peel, too much sugar or taste like cardboard. If buying
choose wisely.

The absolute YES'S!
1. Lights - Yes a must. I must recreate the Las Vegas Strip.

2. Christmas Food Magazines - All of them I must have all of them!
As this is the most important component I will be scouring newsagents
and magazine sections in supermarkets to find all possible
combinations and ideas.

3. Christmas Cooking - I want it all and I want it now, you name it
I want to bake it or make it!
There must be enough food to feed a relatively large army, if I must
scale down, I will go with more than twice as much as needed for the
number of people.
Also I am a huge fan of food shaped into suitable themes, very kitsch
but a must!

4. Crass Christmas Movies - Never can they be too bad, or too camp!
These are a holiday must, what would Christmas be without trashy movies
about Christmas?

5. So Fresh Christmas Album - Promises slightly more upbeat,
funky versions of the old dirges. Probably going to be hated
by everyone else. Kind of like trashy Christmas movies. Must buy!

6. Wine! Spirits! And Frozen Margaritas!! - Never should those
fateful words be uttered "But why is the rum gone?!?!?!"
What kind of host would be I? Arrrr!

7. Suitable silly hat - No this is almost mandatory, everyone
should have one. Even if it's only the paper one out of a cracker.
It helps ward off evil spirits you know.

8. Try to avoid having to work - If this fails, beg, bribe or blackmail
your way into the earliest spot possible, so the rest of the day is free
for Frozen Margaritas, ridiculous hats (and/or antler headbands) and
bad Christmas movies!

Still to come on our Christmas Special how to survive Christmas
complete with instructions on making your own bunker!
A sligtly more practical Countdown to help you organize your way
right up to Christmas.
And not to be missed out 101 Ways with Leftover Turkey!

1 comment:

2paw said...

Ah, there is nothing better than a dichotomy!!! Your list made me laugh and I sang along with the song!!!I like making and giving Christmas cards, so you will be getting one, The Labradors would be sad otherwise!! I might write you a special verse though.