Friday, April 13, 2007

Horror Movie Survival Guide

1. When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it's really dead.

2. If someone passes you a videotape and tells you everyone who watched it died seven days after, for heaven’s sake, go rent something else.

3. If you're searching for something which caused a noise, and find out that it's just the cat, IT’S NOT. Leave the room immediately if you value your life.

4. If you find that your house is built upon or near a cemetery, was once a church used for black masses, had previous inhabitants who went mad or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed satanic practices in your house, or if household objects start moving by themselves, move out immediately.

5. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, or using a voice which is other than their own, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. NOTE: It will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared.

6. If you find a town which looks deserted, it's probably for a reason. Just avoid it.

7. If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, fangs, increasing hairiness, scurrying about on all fours, etc, get away from them as fast as possible.

8. If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are a scantily-clad female. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.

9. If your car runs out of petrol at night, DO NOT go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help.

10. And if for some stupid reason, you enter the deserted-looking house as a group, DON’T split up to go looking around.

11. If you have a friend who says he can see dead people, see other friends.

12. It’s not a good idea to do a school project on a local witch/series of murders/place where people disappeared mysteriously, etc.

13. As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.

Happy Friday the 13th!!!!! Remember I can see you at your computer reading this....

1 comment:

amanda j said...

Haha! I almost forgot it was Black Friday - they don't scare me, I was born on Friday 13th!

Mwah ha ha!

Seriously, I can't watch horror movies any more! I have gone soft in my old age.